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Post by Akira Wood on Sept 30, 2008 17:17:45 GMT -5
Sooo this was a story I wrote last year for a competetion thing xD It didn't win and whatnot, but that's okay. Uhm. xD I'm just posting it because I dug it back up for Writing Club, seeing as it's my week to bring something in. So I decided I'd share it with you all :] Ally's all ready read it, I think xD
Any who! Here it is! And, yes, it was inspired by the Beatles. Annnd maybe even a little bit by Across the Universe >_>
When I find myself in times of trouble Mother Mary comes to me. Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
I grabbed the sides of my head, as if this could protect me from the world around. For some reason, it sort of comforted me... sort of. But then, what in the world can comfort someone when everything's going down around them?
And in my hour of darkness She is standing right in front of me, Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
There's no where to run. I hide myself behind a car, hugging my knees to my chest. I rock back and forth... The sounds of sirens are ringing in my ears, and somebody's screaming in the distance. I cannot tell what they are screaming about or what it is for, but I do know that it's bad. It's really bad.
I do everything I can to block it out, but it's a desperate scream. Who on Earth could ignore that frightening scream?
And when the broken hearted people Living in the world agree, There will be an answer, let it be.
I'm still hiding, hoping, wishing that somehow I'll come out of this raid alive. There's got to be some hope, right? There has to be? The screaming, however, seems to be getting louder as if whoever's doing it is in terrible pain. I can only imagine... and imagining doesn't seem all that good right now.
For though they may be parted, There is still a chance they’ll see There will be an answer, let it be.
The screaming died off about half an hour ago. There was a loud gun shot, and bam. Boom. Nothing. The last noise to escape the lungs of that person was a little gasp. This frightened me. I pulled myself closer to the car, trying so hard not to let out my own gasp. Who knows, that gasp could be my last.
And when the night is cloudy There is still a light that shines on me Shine on until tomorrow, let it be.
My hope comes in the form of a man running across the street frantically. He’s trying to get into a house in front of me, and when he does, he yells something at me. I can’t hear what it is over the noises of destruction around me, but I can read his face clearly. His face is screaming that I’ll be safe; it’s screaming that there’s still some hope left… it’s screaming that we’ll live again another day.
I wake up to the sound of music, Mother Mary comes to me Speaking words of wisdom, let it be. Yeah, let it be, let it be. Let it be, yeah let it be. Oh, there will be an answer, let it be.
The seconds turn to minutes, then hours, and then days. Or at least it feels like that. But the time on my cracked watch tells me it’s only been fifteen minutes that we’ve come and hid ourselves in a small basement. We’re not the only ones here. There’s a small family of four, a mother, a father and two children. The children show astonishing bravery, holding back their little wails of despair. You can read it in their eyes; You can read it in everyone’s eyes.
Twenty minutes have past. Things are looking up for us. Outside the sounds of the raid seem to be dying off. We’re all seeming to relax a little, feeling almost comforted by this fact. One of the kids, a little boy, stands up and goes near the stairs, daring to look up. His mother grabs him fast, pulling him back into her lap.
Of course we’re not out of danger yet. Her motherly instincts told her that tragic bit of information before we heard the door being kicked in upstairs. The other child, a tiny little girl, lets out a yelp. Her father grabs her and cradles her against his chest, pushing himself back into the wall. Then it happens.
We hear the clomping of heavy police boots above us. A thick silence falls over us all, and we’re praying, hoping, wishing that everything goes the way it’s supposed to. Then the clomping stops. The man who let me in and I stare up at the door leading down here, both silently hoping that nothing happens.
The door… the door is being kicked in. And there’s nothing we can do about it except press ourselves closer to the wall, holding back our terrified cries. We grab hands, as if this can save us, and squeeze on as tight as we can to people we don't even know.
I see the barrel of a gun before I see anything else. I feel his hand go limp before I can even register the sound of the gun being shot off. And then…
Oh, there will be an answer, let it be. Let it be, let it be. Ah, let it be, yeah let it be. Whisper words of wisdom, Let it be.
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Jaiden Dragos
Slytherin
Seventh year.
Pain is a message. Messages, my love, can be ignored. So ignore me.
Posts: 180
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Post by Jaiden Dragos on Sept 30, 2008 17:40:55 GMT -5
I remember this one. I remember it BECSAUSE IT MADE ME CRY. xDD
Jesus, girl - you're making me cry again! They had to die?! Danggit.
*comes back two minutes later, tissues in hand and...
...goes to read it again*
xD
It's good though!
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Post by Dominique Weasley on Sept 30, 2008 22:11:04 GMT -5
oh my gosh this is amazing, like beyond amazing!!!!
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Gabriel Thomas
Gryffindor
Seventh year.
My eyes are focused, my brain is talking, it looks pretty good to me.
Posts: 83
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Post by Gabriel Thomas on Oct 1, 2008 8:33:29 GMT -5
I'm not quite sure why the police are simply killing everyone. There's got to be a law against that. In the real riots, most black people on the streets were shot at, but that's because they were on the street during a full-scale riot-war. The rioters were shooting at the police so the police shot back, but happened to shoot back at EVERYONE...... Still, I hate to be a negative Nancy, but I still doubt they'd raid a home and kill everyone inside.... Unless it was Nazi Germany........ Or maybe the Russian Revolution...... I just picture this being the Baltimore Riot, like it is in Across the Universe when this song plays. As for wording and overall writing, its very very good.
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Post by Sadie Sinclair on Oct 1, 2008 18:22:14 GMT -5
I was going to say... This reminds me ALOT of that scene from Across the universe. I like it, you described it well, but here is some constructive criticism (I was in Creative Writing Military Class last here >_>), if you're going to base a story off of something, a movie, or a song, it's best that you not make it so obvious. A good idea would be making it an adaptation of it, which is another way of saying making it your own but still giving credit to the original authors and makers. Also, I wouldn't have put the lyrics in, just because I only see lyrics being put in if I'm reading a script for a play or a screenplay. For short stories, I would go with small references within the text itself. A lot of people study books because of the hidden reason, meaning, reference behind the words, not to mention a lot of symbolism. So, you dont want to make where you got your ideas from so obvious, because if you make it obvious, you're not going to have people wonder "Where the hell did she/he get this amazing idea from?" which is always fun to hear.
I hope didn't disappoint you or anything of the like. I would know how it feels like, because my teacher last year was a freakin' literature nazi and attacked me in the most brutal way possible. She would honestly write comments like "Why the heck are you in my class?"
But she helped a lot, i have to admit.
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Post by Akira Wood on Oct 1, 2008 19:15:13 GMT -5
Thanks xDD
And don't worry, Kat. It doesn't bother me. The whole reason of me posting stuff like this on here is because I want constructive criticism. That's why I'm in Writing Club. But all the good writers (well, the seniors from last year), are gone, or most of them are gone, so I'm afraid I'll get very little of what I want out of the club. But I'll be sticking with it anyway.
Thanks for it, though :] I was kind of inspired by the song Let It Be... so that's why I included lyrics and stuff. The only reason why they're in there is to break it all up the way I wanted it to be. I can see how it wouldn't suit some people and the way they write stuff. Normally it wouldn't be something I'd do. But it all kind of came at me and I ran with it. -shrugs- Anyways, I apperciate what everyone says :]
And thanks Tribe for saying that xD It does seem kind of odd how they'd just kind of come in and kill them like that. I was kind of reminded of the Detroit Raid/Riot, but then again I kind of made it different, where people showed no mercy -shrugs- But it does remind me more of actual events rather than ones I made up.
Thanks again guys :] [/blockquote]
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