Craving.This.Disaster//JaidenDragos

[Jaiden Dragos]

{Jaiden Dragos Scabior

//You Are All By Yourself, But You're Not Alone


Dammit.
School.
I hate it for several, perfectly good reasons.

One, I could be over in the States with Mordred and Dawn and Mortimer, doing some crazy shit. Maybe getting another tattoo or something on my arm, that tear drop on my face. I talked to Dawn about it, she said she thought it was a good idea. I asked her if she wanted another one, but she declined politely--the raven on her back was already a big enough giveaway to whom she really was. And then she started lamenting about how she couldn't wear a bathing suit because she would reveal her identity--I said that Mortimer was probably mad about that, too. She punched me, but, hey--at least Scourgier got a laugh out of it.

Two--There is absolutely nothing you can do around here that is any fun without getting expelled. Oh yes, I know, it's Jaiden, he don't give a damn about getting expulsed. Well at least we are on the same page--but Dawn has finished the book. She's started talking about how I was going to end up in life, who I am going to work for and all this random ass crap. And then, she went on to whom I was going to marry--Amy Black is beautiful, but much too clingy for my personal tastes (Well, no, I do like her taste but--oh, you get what I mean)--and I had to draw the line. First of all, I'm not getting married. Where's the fun in that? And I'm not working for anyone but myself. I am my own boss, thank you very much.

Three--Hogwarts, it seems, has finally driven me crazy. Proof of my new found madness?

You're looking at it.

Since when did I write? I don't even like writing. I won't take tests, I don't do homework, but I write in a fucking diary. And since when do I have a diary anyway?

Oh, mother fucker.

If Mordred knew I was writing in this, he's probably laugh his blown up head off.

And Dawn would smile mysteriously--I never have a clue what's going on in that scheming head of hers.

And Mortimer would be confused.

'Why are you writing in a bleeding diary? Who are you and what, may I ask, have you done with Jaiden?"

I rest my case.

I, Jaiden Dragos Scabior, have officially gone insane.

[Jaiden Dragos]

{JDS

//You wanted in, now you're here.
Driven by hate, consumed by fear.
Let the bodies hit the floor.

My life has always been shitty.

And I've always accepted that.

Walk all the crazy ass stuff by with a smirk and it was all good. Occasionally, a few people would get hurt. Sometimes, someone didn't talk to me again. Frequently, I got glares in all directions

But never--

--never--

--has someone been killed.

Not by my hands, anyway. I've seen people die, seen them drop with holes shot through them, seen a flash of green light and then see them fall like a marionette whose strings have been cut. People I knew, liked, tolerated, and sometimes even considered a friend.

But that little bit of pain is minuscule in comparison to the pain I feel now.

Mordred owled me this morning. Dawn, The Raven, is seriously injured; she's had 'her guts blown out', as Mordred told me, for lack of more scientific, precise terms.

Understandably, I got angry.

Not-so-understandably, Kamilla Lestrange, of all people, barged right on in after I had thrown my school book, punched the wall, and probably broke my knuckles. I don't know if I did or not. But it hurts like hell writing this.

And if that wasn't embarrassing, then I don't know what is.

If she spreads this, or tells that vile cousin of hers...

Well.

Her life might turn out to be as shitty as mine.

[Jaiden Dragos]

{Jaiden Dragos Scabior

//Living Risky, Never Scared
Wander Closer to the Edge
Nothing Valued, Think No Fear

I told you I wasn't a writing sort of guy. And I'm not going to go apologize to a damn stupid, lifeless book, so don't hold your breath. Not that you have any breath to hold, anyway. Not the point, though.

So, I'll just go onto what I was recently thinking about. Today, I went a serious remember roll.

It was like a big boulder or something - it rolls, and there's no way to stop it. Or a movie without a stop button, a car without breaks - once it started, there was no going back. It just kept on crashing through all the walls that I had erected, to keep those same memories away. It was pretty bad. Though, it did have a few good parts. There were a few highlights in there that made me smile some when I thought about it. Mostly, however, it was things that I would rather leave behind.

I was watching some first years out on the lawns. They reminded me of it. Really weird deja vu - walking by, and looking over to see close to the exact same scene you saw years ago, only with older kids.

A couple of first years had stolen this kid's hat. When the other kid yanked it off the boy's head, the boy fell over backwards. He didn't try to get the hat back, or even to stand up. He just sat there and started to cry. And then the other kid, the one with the hat, came back and shook his head. 'Don't be such a Roxwell', he said. Which definitely caught my attention.

And this whole thing started. I went back to when I was, like, six. Kids have to go somewhere before Hogwarts, right? Well, I did. One of those premiere schools, the big one, with a year's tuition more costly than some family's house payments. I still remember what the hell hole was called. 'Goff's Academy for the Gifted'. The gifted part just sounded nice, I guess, or when they said 'gifted', they meant money bags. They didn't look at grades - they looked at how big your house was.

Somehow, people get this ludicrous idea that the rich kids in the rich school have life perfect. They don't have to worry about a thing. They call you 'rich kid' like it's an insult. Well, everyone, saying that rich kids don't have it bad is complete and total bullshit.

It could have been worse, I admit. But this was bad enough for me. I was a pitiful little kid. The really quiet one that sat alone at lunch, the one dude who sits in the back, and the other kids avoid like a freaking leper. Yeah, that was me. I was the little loser.

There were these two guys who were a little bigger than me, and more loud. Hard to believe, I know, but I was different then. Their names, I think, were something like Cade and Alex. They always picked on me and stuff. Called me names, pushed me around - I put up with it. I mean, I cried - what little kid don't cry? But, for the most part, I put up with it. Since I was six, I let the other rich kids push me around and insult me. Gradually, I got used to it. I didn't cry anymore. They pushed me down, I got back up. The called me dipshit, I ignored it. They talked about me to other people, I kept walking. They laughed, I didn't look at them. They took my things, I pretended not to notice.

I was the outcast. You know, the guy whose name they always put at the end of a diss. Like 'don't be such a Jaiden' or 'you're acting like a Scabior'. Heard it all the time.

It went on like that for a while. No one was there to be protective over me - Mordred was at a lower ranking school, less expensive. Anida didn't think he was worthy enough to go to Goff's. And Dawn wouldn't even dream of going to my school. She was a Prince, and the Prince's money compared to the Scabior's was miniscule. So there was no one there to shield me and help me along - I was by myself. Me, myself, and I.

But I could handle it, or seemed to. I was an introvert in those days - didn't talk, never socialized. I was the quiet kid. I was like that until I was around eight or nine. That was when Alex and Cade started getting violent, in a little kid way.

We were coming in from recess, I think, and they cornered me. The teacher couldn't see us, of course. Alex and Cade weren't brave enough to sock me with an adult around. We were out of sight, around the bend. I was against the wall, they were squared off in front of me. They had their hands raised, and I knew what was coming. So I got ready for it.

When the teacher found the three of us, I was in the act of ramming my fist into Alex's face. I had already hit Cade. Alex went down and - well, like Cade, he didn't get back up.

So that was the start of my bad boy rep. Alex and Cade left me alone after that. A few others tried to bully me around, but that didn't work out too well for them. I kicked their little kid asses, and they steered clear. I was still the outcast, but I was the dangerous one. Still no one got near me, but not because they were afraid to catch the loser disease. They were scared they would be beat up. I found that funny. Still do.

My rep followed me. The whole school knew, even the older kids. They would point and say 'that's the dude'. And I would smirk and keep walking, like always.

It's still the same, even at Hogwarts. I'm that guy. I won't talk, but I'll sort of smile, and keep going. Vain, someone would say. Arrogant.

But that person would be only half right. Arrogant, yes. Vain, no.

There's a difference. Arrogant is when people see you, and see that you have a very high self confidence, or that's what you make them think. It's never your fault, not ever. And they hate to be slighted. That's what they think, make them think. That's what you put off. You seem like you like yourself. Seem to.

Vain is when you actually like yourself. And I, damned lifeless stupid book, do not like myself.

There is a difference.

Arrogant? Yes.
Vain? No.
A loser? No.
An outcast? Yes.

But, arrogant, vain, a loser or an outcast, I'm still that dude.

So you better damn well deal with it.[/size][/font][/color]

[Jaiden Dragos]

{Jaiden Dragos Scabior

//Indestructible
Determination that is incorruptible
From the other side, terror to behold
Annihilation will be unavoidable
Every broken enemy will know
That their opponent had to be invincible
Take a last look around while you’re alive
I’m an indestructible master of war

Remember that remember roll I was talking - or writing, whatever - about? Yeah. Totally had more of that. Again. What is it with me? I keep on getting hit and hit and hit again with these memories like bang, bang, bang. Right into my head, where I am trying to keep them out of.

Only, this time, the deja vu was much more violent. Now, usually, that wouldn't be a bad thing. I can't get enough of it. It feels good, to hit them. Don't ask me why. It just does.

I guess Hadyn would tell me I take out all my frustrations on whoever happens to be on the receiving end of my fist. That I get the anger from way deep down, bring it up, and use it. Now that just sounds corny and cliché - I fight because I like it, though Hadyn keeps on making excuses for my volatile tendencies. She's scared of them. She has every reason to be, being a victim of violence herself, and she doesn't want me to be the one inflicting damage on anyone else. So she convinces herself the reason I fight is for other reasons, other than I simply like it. She can go on doing that, just as long as she doesn't say it to my face - then I will be forced to correct her. And I really don't think that that subject would go over well. Hell, I've already hurt her more than a few times. Not physically, mind you. I rescue her from physical abuse, as I did yet again today.

Or this morning. Early, early this morning. Like, two in the morning.

She has the shittiest luck that I think I have ever seen a person cursed with. She's been haunted by more than a few things, and even Hogwarts doesn't let her get away from it. It follows her like freaking ghosts. And what's worse is that she pretends it's fine, that it doesn't matter that she has some guys beat the hell out of her and say it's okay. That it's all good. I've hold off on beating them lower than the dirt only because she asks me not to fight because of her. She gets that whole pleading look on her face, and she grabs my arm, and once she has me, she messes with my hair and has to get on her tip toes to reach it and brushes my skin with her fingers and is so damn hard to tell her no.

But I did, last night this morning. It was the same group of guys. Royce, Luther, Martin, Edward, and that shithead, bull face, ugly ass, ass wipe Joey, her ex. Most of them are in Slyterin, seventh year, except Joey and Martin. They're Gryffindor. Weird alliance, right? I didn't care too much. I was too busy beating their noses into their skulls.

Two of them had one arm each and the others were all grinning stupidly with their wands out. Joey was in the front, practically on top of her. I was just coming around the corner - couldn't sleep, like usual - when I saw him backhand her. So now she this bruise on the side of her face, in between her ear and cheekbone. Needless to say, Joey was the first to go down.

I got Hadyn behind me first. As long as she was out of the way, it was all good for a free for all. I don't think they had hurt her, besides the backhand. It's an honest miracle they are still alive. Seriously. Doing the cheerful duty of choking them to death has crossed my mind more than once. God, I hate them. I HATE them. And apparently that was quite obvious from where I was standing in front of them.

Joey was out cold, and Martin and Luther dragged him away from me, though I did give him a few good kicks before they did. He'll be looking worse than Hadyn for a while. But Royce was on me, and apparently me and him were making a few louder noises why he tried to strangle me and I bashed his head against the wall. Either way, the Professor McGonagall came running. We could hear her and her stern, no cock and bull (or whatever she says) voice coming down the hallway. I grabbed Hadyn - arm around her waist, another at her arms - and practically dragged her away. Hadyn is really, really, really fast though - she runs like crazy, so soon she had me matched up and getting ahead. I let her take care of where we were running to. I had done my part already.

What she came up with was surprisingly convenient. The Room of Requirement was open, and we got in. What McGonagall ended coming up with was a knocked out, bruise and cut covered Joey - nothing of value.

Hadyn cried some. She was entitled to, naturally. I didn't do much. It's just when she cries...Well, I can do the physical stuff. Get rid of what she is crying over. I do that all the time. But, afterwards I feel so - I feel helpless, useless. She can handle me when I am angry or pissed, but I can't handle her. I hold her, but other than that, nothing much. I don't know what I am supposed to do! No one ever did that to me, like a parent or anything, and no one ever thought to. That, or I never let them. I don't cry. But Hadyn does, even though she tries not to in front of me. She'll be talking and crying at the same time, and when I don't answer her, she just kind of -

- breaks. Hadyn breaks.

-----------------------------------------------

Another reason, another cause for me to fight
Another fuse uncovered now, for me to light
My dedication to all that I’ve sworn to protect
I carry out my orders without a regret
A declaration embedded deep under my skin
A permanent reminder
Of how we began
No hesitation
When I am commanded to strike
You need to know
That you’re in for the fight of your life//

[/size][/font][/color]

[Jaiden Dragos]

{Jaiden Dragos Scabior

//My Teen Angst Bullshit Has a Body Count

I killed Royce.

He's dead.

I'm going to Azkaban.

But I don't care. I got what I wanted out of it:

He'll never lay a fucking finger on Hadyn again.[/font]

[Jaiden Dragos]

{Jaiden Dragos Scabior

[/size][/right]

//Have you ever loved someone so much, you'd give an arm for?
Not the expression, no, literally give an arm for?
When they know they're your heart
And you know you were their armour
And you will destroy
anyone who would try to harm 'her

[/font]

I have it all arranged, I think.

I have to introduce the plan to everyone, though. I've gone over it a million times, over and over and over, and I can't find any fall outs. But if there is, if there is one little problem with it all, it all caves. Someone else, besides me, could end up in Azkaban. Namely, Hadyn - and I'm not sure, if she does, that she'll be able to withstand the mental pressure of the prison.

So it is with careful and cautious reluctance that I accept this particular plan of action. It'll be hell when I get out of Azkaban (if I get out of Azkaban), but it keeps Hadyn out of the crossfire. I'm doing this so she won't be traumatized any more than she already is, which is quite a bit. She can't go around any guy - other than me or Luca Lovell - without keeping them in her eyesight. It's subtle, and I don't think anyone else notices. Unless you watch her like I do, or know her well enough to know what is normal for her and what isn't. I do both - and what Hadyn is like now, around guys, is nothing like what she used to be. She was modest before, not like one of them girls that goes around thinking she's the shit, but she was confident, too. She was self-conscious, but she was never...wary? Is that what she is now?

How would you define a woman who can't look her best friend in the eye when she says she's fine? Or when she flinches away when anyone at all makes any sudden movement, even if they are moving away from her? Or when she used to smile all the time, but now barely smiles at all? Or, when she does smile, it looks forced or weak? And her laugh - when you never hear her laugh anymore? Or when her grades go way up because she doesn't want any free time to think about what's been going on? Or when she barely talks to anyone but her closest friends? Or when she looks at her feet and only at her feet, meek, when she walks through the halls when it used to be she walked down halls, waving at people she know or smiling at someone who tagged along with her? Or when you notice her friend's absences? Or when someone like Hadyn Bryant pushes people away, and keeps them at an emotional arms length?

Do you call them wary?

No. Then what do you call them?

If I were any sort of asshole (to Hadyn), then I would say it sounded like a victim. And that's what Hadyn is - she's a victim. She needs to heal, to pull herself together again, but she needs help for that. Me, I would help her. And I am - but I'll be in Azkaban for helping her, and to help her. For, because someone is going to prison for Royce's death. Smart as I am, I can't avoid the whole freaking Ministry. And to help her - if Hadyn was forced on trial, and the whole school knew about her personal problems, where would that leave her? Something tells me she would be worse than what she started off as.

So I've cleared Hadyn of the whole problem. I've gone to the library, for the first fucking time in my entire life, and looked up strong enough disillusioning charms to hide her bruises. I gave these spells to her, she taught herself, and for now, she is bruise-less. Her DNA, as Lovell so kindly pointed out, is still at the crime scene. I can't do anything about that. I don't know how the Ministry would figure out it was hers, as she does not have a criminal record, but I'm sure they have some way. And Lovell's - his is everywhere, what with all the throwing up he did.

Maybe I could say that Royce was the good guy. It kills me to do it, but I don't see any other logical way to do it. It's extreme, and I know Lovell will not like it, but it's the way things gotta be. Royce was the good guy - he was messing with Hadyn, and she was willing she was okay with it. I found out, got jealous, and went for him. Hadyn and Lovell got in the way, and I got both of them out, and finished up Royce. I left, then, and Lovell - he brought her to the Room of Requirement. Would that work? I don't see any hitches, but I'm not completely sure there isn't something that I don't see. I can't be sure.

If they find Hadyn's DNA, then I'll have to tell them about it. They won't have a choice; they'd have to take up the story. Hadyn can't lie. She can't do it - Lovell can. I'll get him to do the talking. He won't like it. I know that, but he'll have to suck it up. This if for Hadyn, to get her in the clear - that's what going to get him, I think. As long as it's for Hadyn, he'd do it.

I will never admit it to his face, but I'm unsure if I trust him with Hadyn now. It's more than most people get - usually, it's a straight up 'no'. That I am uncertain about Lovell is a step further than most people have gotten. And, if I have to trust anyone with Hadyn, it will be him. Unless I can find someone else, who would fight for her, it will be Lovell. I don't like him, he don't like me, and I don't give a flying shit. We both like Hadyn, and that's the only reason we're working together. And if he don't want to work with me, fine. I can get it done on my own. I've taken care of Hadyn for nearly ten years now - I managed then, I can managed now.

And I'm going to go to Azkaban for her. That part don't bother me. But, when I leave, and Lovell ain't there, where does that leave Hadyn? She can't be on her own. She needs someone. If not Luca, then who?

The fact that I've murdered someone does not scare me. The fact that I have lost all opportunity for a normal life does not scare me. The fact that I have little to no escape from Azkaban does not scares me.

But Hadyn, alone?

That scares me shitless.

[/color]

[Jaiden Dragos]

Jaiden's
Journal Playlist

[/color][/size][/center]

Bodies - Drowning Pool
Bodies - Drowning Pool
Life of My Own - 3 Doors Down
Indestructible - Disturbed
Ride the Wings of Pestillence - From First To Last
When I'm Gone - Eminem

[Jaiden Dragos]

Looking back at me I see
That I never really got it right
I never stopped to think of you//[/font][/size]

"Why?" Hadyn asked shrilly, her voice an octave higher than it normally would be, searching desperately for true justification as to why Jaiden had betrayed her yet again. "Why did you do it?"

Jaiden was stonily stoic. His face was closed, set up in a nasty automatic look, like he did every time he was faced with the multitude of tears that each of these escapades induced. His mouth was drawn in a tight line, his back stiffened. His eyes were ultimately guarded, though Hadyn knew him well enough to see the rebellious spark, the urge to snap, just barely reined in. He didn't want to do it, but if she pushed much farther, he would.

But didn't she have the right? Didn't she deserve to know why he ran off, away from her, to go to another random girl who he had known for less than a few days? When he was committed to her?

"Jaiden, please," Hadyn pleaded with him, and trying unsuccessfully to stop the stream of tears running down her face. Hadyn was embarrassed by them, but so hurt and angry and torn that she couldn't really pay them too much mind. "Tell me why you are doing this to me."

Jaiden didn't say anything for a long time. He just stood there, like a incredibly detailed marble and onyx statue, unmoving. Finally, he stirred. His hand twitched toward her, a small movement of his fingers in her direction, but before he could do much else, he turned on his heel.

And Hadyn watched, weeping, as his back disappeared into another room.

What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold to you//[/font][/size][/color]

Jaiden grinned over at Hadyn from the driver's seat, one big smile that stretched all the way across his face in that mischievously laid back way of his. One hand was at the wheel, the other intertwined with hers. His eyes twinkled in that devious gleam of his as he glanced over at her, anticipating what she would say moments before she did.

"Please tell me where we're going?" She asked, fluttering her eyelashes at him, trying to coax him into telling.

"Nope," Jaiden shook his head, his grin taking on the smirk of his. "Not a chance."

Hadyn sighed, leaning back in her seat reluctantly. "Fine," she muttered, trying to pout. It didn't work, really - Jaiden could see right through it. She was excited, and she couldn't help the small smile that made its appearance on the other side of her mouth.

Minutes Later

Jaiden opened the door for Hadyn, taking her hand again when she emerged. He was grinning at her awed expression as she looked about the scenery. Behind her, the car was still running, the radio in it playing something soft and tinkling.

"Oh my gosh, Jaiden," Hadyn breathed, utterly astonished. "It's beautiful."

And it was - the small valley's green grass blew gently in the breeze that came off the glassy lake in the middle of the dip in the mountains, making it shimmer. The willow tree hanging over its waters gently swayed, and crickets chirped in the background. Jaiden had timed it perfectly, too, when the full moon made yet another debut, and hanging over the valley and bathing it in sheen of silver. The lake reflected the floating orb, skewing its image to make it seem so much more beautiful.

Another song started, and Jaiden stepped away from Hadyn. He bowed sweeping low, his hand brushing the ground, and straightened slightly, his hand open and inviting. "Dance with me, Hadyn?" He said, his charming velveteen voice romantically seductive.

And Hadyn, smiling, took his hand.

I never really wanted you to see
The screwed up side of me that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep
It always seems to get to me//

"Are you okay?" Hadyn asked once again, her eyebrows pulled together in worry.

"Fine," Jaiden grumbled, sighing. It was an outright lie, and not one he bothered to disguise. He knew he couldn't, not now. He was at an all time low at the moment; his breathing coming in shallow rises. Jaiden attempted to keep the sadness at bay, but the wound kept on ripping open and refusing to be sewn shut again. Looking at that picture had opened the said scar again, and made it as agonizing as possible. Jaiden knew that he shouldn't let Hadyn see him like this, but he couldn't cover his tracks in this state. He was much too incapitated by sorrow and too forlorn to hush his feelings up. "Perfectly fine."

His eyes drifted shut, and he slumped in his chair. He heard Hadyn get up, and felt her small hand at his jaw, but he didn't register that she was really there until he felt her legs sliding over his, straddling him in the chair so as not to fall off. His arms mechanically wrapped around her, insuring her safety, and his eyes opened enough to see her face.

Hadyn's lips were drawn in quiet sadness for him, even though she had no idea what was going on. She knew not to ask, for he would not tell her. There were secrets in his life that no one but himself was allowed access to, and even Hadyn was locked out of that personal area of him.

"You're lying again," Hadyn murmured, though it wasn't an accusation. It was just a quiet statement of fact, and she didn't hector him about it.

"Yes," Jaiden admitted, eyes shutting again. "I am."

Hadyn put her arms around his neck, and hugged him closer to her. Jaiden, in a brief spell of vulnerability, rested his forehead against her shoulder.

Hours later, he told himself that the wetness on her shirt came from something else, entirely different from him.

So many things you should have known
I guess for me there’s just no hope
I never meant to be so cold//

"I'm sorry, Denny," Jaiden apologized, possibly for the first time in their entire relationship. Of course, it had to be when that relationship ended. "I can't keep doing this."

"I know," Hadyn whispered, biting back her tears. "I know."

And Jaiden intuitively knew she was dismissing him, and, for the last time, he turned his back and left. [/color]

I never meant to be so cold.//[/color][/font]

[Jaiden Dragos]

{Jaiden Dragos Scabior

[/size][/right]




What are you going to do,
when they come for you,
bad boy?[/color][/font]

They're here. I'm leaving. But don't get too hopeful --

I'll be back.

X Jaiden Dragos Scabior

end of
BOOK ONE