No More Nightmares || Jonathan Macnair

[Jonathan Macnair]

I, Jonathan Macnair, write this in my own hand. One day, my words will truly mean something to the wizarding community. Grandmother decided it would be best for me to start this little diary.. I thought it was a decent idea. Why not, really. This year I'm not focusing on schoolwork or much else, so something to do would certainly be a good thing.

I have greater aspirations that this school can't help me with. Well, they could, but I don't think they will. They don't want someone like me getting too much power, but I've found my in.

Rowan Dalton approached me today, acting like I had something to prove to join his little group. I kissed him and that seemed to prove it to him. I figured that he didn't really need any proof, especially if he's heard things about me.

Yes, everything you've ever heard about me ... it's true and I don't want to hide anything. I will be honest on this pages. I will talk of my loyalties, my hopes, my dreams, my ... loves. Mmhmm, I am capable of love.

Even though, I wish to emulate Lord Voldemort, I don't underrate love. If he had love coupled with fear, he would have prospered. I've spent many a night locked in my room these past summers trying to figure out what went wrong.

He and I are so much alike, I found, when I pursued other information about him. He knew how to manipulate. He knew how to use his looks to get what he wanted. That is, of course, until his body was torn apart by Harry Potter.

I will never have Horcruxes. I do not fear death at all. And I mean, if I did, wouldn't my end be as gruesome as his was?

Voldemort was a fool.

Onto other things ... Kamilla appears to be avoiding me ever since we arrived at school. I don't know why for the life of me. I miss her companionship - we used to be so close. It frightens me sometimes how well she knows me, but that has passed.

Grandmother suggested I marry her. Plenty of my family have been engaged before Graduation and I plan to be. That is, if she'll have me. I wonder if her family has said anything.

However, there is another girl. I don't know her name. She assured me her blood was pure, but I worry. She is a Gryffindor, after all, and seems to understand the games I play.

And then there's Daniel ... but that's for another day.

[Jonathan Macnair]

It's been a bit of time since I last wrote, but it's because of the nightmares are back. I can barely sleep at night and I'm afraid it's clouding my judgement. Giving that note to Daniel was one. I'm still stalling on going. I don't know what it is I'm going to say to him and I don't even know if he's even there.

I saw Kamilla today and managed to ask her to the ball. She agreed and I'm thrilled.

I should consider going to meet Daniel now.

[Jonathan Macnair]

I knew I wouldn't be able to faithfully write in this thing. My last journal is full of insights and all kinds of other things, but I guess then I had enough time to hole up writing. Eli always makes fun of me when he sees me with it, but I like being able to write things down. After all, if I keep surging forward with my goal, wouldn't people like to know what I was like? Not that I think I'll change too much. I think I'm all right as I am, but I think I'm being too nice.

Especially where it concerns Sadie, Rowan and Ashley. Even Daniel at times. I promised myself I wouldn't be too nice to anyone. I mean, I kind of need to be nice to Sadie as she's the one I'm engaged to now. I can only imagine how Kamilla will feel if she finds out I did that. But this is what happens when you say no to me - you get shoved aside or I make you say yes. I'd never make Kamilla do anything though. If I marry her or not, I'll need her. Her name has a lot of clout when you think terms of Death Eaters, especially since she's descended from Voldemort. Or so the rumours say. I'm not really sure. I've never asked.

As for Ashley, I like to play with my food. Cat and mouse what I want, but there's too much ... playing where it concerns him.

Rowan's just another story.

And Daniel. Merlin, Daniel ...

Poison. Absolute poison.

[Jonathan Macnair]

I think I was thirteen when I found myself as conflicted as I am today. Grandmother told me she wanted me to go visit Grandfather Walden in Azkaban because there was a book he had that I would need. How she knew, I'll never know. I think the Macnairs and the Selwyns were very close, even if the Selwyns didn't join the Death Eaters. They stayed low profile throughout both wars. Grandmother said it was time she do something and that was to send me off to him.

So, I did go, a week before I was due to start my third year. It's an awful place, Azkaban. I think that was part of the reason she wanted me to go, she wanted me to see how broken a person could end up there.

Of course, I knew this, but I wasn't prepared for what I saw my so-called fearsome grandfather. He was still bulky, but completely hollowed out and sallow, if that makes any sense. He turned to me and watched me with his eerie, sunken eyes. I wasn't sure if he really knew I was a real person, but then he wondered over to the little "bed" in his room and removed a book from the scrap of cloth there and handed it to me. Read, he intructed, voice cracking from its disuse.

I was afraid to open it until this past summer and so far I've learnt a lot.

However, I don't really have time if I want to set things right with Kamilla. I think I have feelings for Sadie; we're two of a kind, her and I. But Kamilla is someone I've wanted forever. It drove me mad when she more or less called me childish. I'm not childish - I just don't need to follow the set standard. I'll bide my time, however, until I think I need to make a move.

I'd give up my ambition, though, to have her just smile at me one more time. I miss my friend.

[Lucy Weasley]

An unsigned note, in handwriting that certainly isn't Jon's.

Jon,
From this, you can tell I obviously read it. All of it. I couldn't help myself.
But I promise.
Your secrets are safe with me.
&hearts

P.S. Thanks.

[Jonathan Macnair]

I don't know why I asked her. Maybe it's because she knows all my secrets and I don't have to pretend. She makes things less complicated, even if all around me, everything I've built is crumbling. I've royally fucked myself over with my not thinking things through and I can tell it will only get worse. I told Sadie I didn't care to go to the ball, but only minutes ago, well, I found myself asking Lucy to come with me. She seemed surprised, but said yes. Then she suggested a costume. I'm waiting for Grandmother or Mother to send it along - it's a Victorian Muggle suit. Far be it for me to agree with a redheaded Gryffindor, so I went along with it. I'm not ... happy about it, but if it makes her happy, it's worth it.

... Did I really write that? I'm ... changing and I'm not certain what I think about that. She makes me ... kinder. Not necessarily kind, but kinder. I know I'm not a very good person, but she makes me feel like I can be. Like I could if I tried. I want to try and that's what scares me most.

All my life, I've been chasing the goal my family set for me. Though I'm certain I truly love Kamilla, I think I asked her to marry me because it was what my grandmother wanted me to do. She'd sit with me and tell me what to do, what to say, how to think. Father did the same thing, always with his fists or something else though, as reinforcement. Grandmother never hits me, but she's coddled me to the point where I felt like I was something, that I could be greater than Voldemort. Now I know I want to be greater than Voldemort, but ... this eradication he strives for, that I wanted to strive for ... I'm not sure I believe it anymore. I'm not certain what I believe anymore.

She makes me think, this Lucy Weasley.

I'll write more after the ball. I need to go meet her now.

[Jonathan Macnair]

The ball could be called a rousing success, despite the fact that Kamilla and Sofia decided it might be fun to be the little vipers they are. That didn't last too long, however. Luca Lovell, Kamilla's date, cut it short. So, I managed to steal Lucy away and twirl her onto the dance floor. The two of us had fun, I think. I know I did. I even kissed her good night, though I'm not really sure how she felt about it. All I know is she blushed and disappeared into her common room with a hurried good night.

Then I went back to my dormitory and changed to meet Sadie. She and I are over now. I can't say how I really feel about it because I'm not even sure. I think I feel mildly disappointed, but ... there's someone better suited for her out there. She said she was going to write her family and request an arranged marriage. She said she should've done it from the start. That might have made things easier, but ...

I don't regret her at all.

[Jonathan Macnair]

I've always been a little opportunistic, but I like to think of it as seizing the day. Carpe diem, it's called, if I have my facts straight. I remember my father saying it to my mother when I was younger. He'd kept the company of many women prior to her death and his favourite excuse was that he was seizing the day. Often, he would add that he was opportunistic. I hate to think I'm like my father, but sometimes I think maybe I'm slowly becoming him. It's my worst fear. I don't want to treat the woman I marry with the kind of cool detachment and emotional abuse he does, but if I look at the truth, the facts, he and I aren't so different. All my life I've tried my best not to turn out like him and strived for excellence in the eyes of my grandmother, but I will be, always and forever, a Macnair. I can't fight who I am, I suppose, but I'm trying my damndest to. I know I'll be greeted with my father's disappointment when he discovers I'll be spending time with Lucy. I've already received a letter from my grandmother, demanding I find someone more suitable. She called me unfit to be her grandson and I actually cried. Yes, I, Jonathan Macnair actually cried.

Don't get too excited, however, they weren't girly tears. They were tears of frustration; I wanted so bad to be liked by her. I knew that if she liked me, I wouldn't want my father's approval or at the very least, I wouldn't care about his approval. But if I'm honest with myself, the only girl I've been with that has gained his approval was Sofia. Grandmother favoured Kamilla, but that's dead in the water as far as I'm concerned. But Sofia ... Sofia is timeless. Even while my thoughts are wrapped so entirely with Lucy, she still manages to arm her way into my thoughts. Father would smile, if he knew this, because Sofia is a proper choice. For some reason, he isn't so fond of Kamilla. I used to ask him why, but he'd follow Alec's example and stay silent, so I gave up. What was the point, I always wondered. The only piece of information he ever shared with me about the girls I knew was his opinion of Sofia.

"She is a Slytherin. She is beautiful. What are you waiting for, boy?"

I didn't know how to respond because I didn't - still don't - know. I floundered under his cold stare until he finally made a frustrated noise and walked off. Grandmother had a great thing going on those days; she would always find me and comfort me. She would always say the same soothing words and to this day, all I have to do is close my eyes and think about them. Her voice will ring clearly in my head and I'll feel all the better for it.

"Your father wants the best for you. That's why he acts this way."

These words are what I cling to every day. In the back of my mind, I always hope that one day he'll tell me I did a good job, that he was proud I'm his son. I know that if I continue on the path I'm on with Lucy, I'll never get that. His words will be ice and I'll break into a thousand pieces even if I swear to anyone who asks that I do not care what he thinks. I always have; it's just beneath the surface. I hate loving and resenting Lucy like this, but in the eyes of my father, this will be my fall from grace.

Sofia is my chance for redemption.