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Post by Luca Lovell on Jan 27, 2009 17:50:38 GMT -5
L u ca[/i] ←[/font] {{ Soft spoken with a broken jaw}}[ooc; Figured you'd recognize the title xD But who cares? It fits here as well]
Luca Lovell rolled over in the small, uncomfortable hospital bed, moaning. Or at least the bed felt uncomfortable to him. He wouldn't have been able to tell you. His bones were sticking out at jagged angles, his skin clinging to them more than they ever had. Luca couldn't find a comfortable way to lay, and he silently cursed himself for letting his depression get in the way of him eating. Luca Lovell loved food. People thought him crazy when he didn't have an appetite. It was amazing how one little act could change so much for him.
Other than the fact that he was too bony to get comfortable, his arms, legs, and stomach itched with a fiery intensity. The bandages wrapped around him weren't all that soft and feathery, and he knew he'd have to live with them for a few more days. The cuts had been far too deep to heal completely with magic. They had been healed part way for the time being, but that wasn't going to stop them from bleeding or leaving scars. Luca didn't care about the scars... He'd need a reminder for what he did and how he had almost gotten away with his punishment.
Drew had found him in the bathroom... Admittedly, Luca was not too happy to see Drew. First of all, he hadn't wanted to be found. Secondly, why did it have to be Drew? Drew looked up to Luca, and Luca saw the guy as the little brother he never had. Now Drew had seen an incredibly weak and cowardish Luca, and Luca wasn't sure if Drew would ever look at him the same... Hell, Luca couldn't even look at himself the same.
Would anyone be able to see him the same? Would they see the brave, over-confident, egotistical, man whore-ish Luca Lovell that they knew, loved, and hated? Or would they see a coward, someone who tried to jump away from the living consequences and just end it so he didn't have to deal with his problems?
Whatever it was, Luca didn't want it. He didn't want them to see him any different than they had before. But he knew they would. If they thought of him as normal for a second they'd be reminded otherwise the second they saw the scars on him. He'd never be able to wear a bathing suit without questions again... Or get naked in front of someone else. If he ever would get naked for a woman again.
How could he trust himself anymore?
Luca's brown eyes stared angrily up at the ceiling of the Hospital Wing, as if a bolt of lightening would just come down from the sky and do him a favor. Would death by lightening hurt as much as his attempted suicide in the bathroom?
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Post by Hadyn Bryant on Jan 27, 2009 22:37:04 GMT -5
Come Now, Don't You Cry Luca, it seemed, got his wish in a more subtle form. Outside the castle Hogwarts, lightning flashed, and thunder shook the sky. On the windows, rain pelted down, clicking and pattering off of the windows, including the one Hadyn was now looking out of.
She didn't know how long she had been in the Ravenclaw Common Room, or how long she had been seated particularly on the uncomfortable wooden chair facing the window. The glass was clean, due to the house elves, but the iron and hinges surrounding it were old with rust. Apparently, the house elves saw no need to fix the castle's own historic feel. Hadyn didn't mind. She was feeling rather old, herself, lately.
She swallowed, or tried to, around the lump in her throat. Problems and issues that needed solving -- again. 'Problems'. Was it really a problem? Hadyn felt the guilt pull at her, in the pit of her stomach. In a couple years, would she regret calling the situation a problem? Or would she refer to it as a blessing?
Hadyn sighed, rubbing her temples. Ugh. This was so confusing, and really embarrassing.
She hated even thinking about the challenge that lay before her.
I mean, the look on Luca's face when she asked him to take -- oh, god, no. He hadn't even spoken to her after he tried to apologize in the bathrooms that one day. She couldn't blame him, though. What was he supposed to say? Hadyn hated how they had grown apart; she still loved him with all of her little, mending heart, but to her it seemed he could barely look at her these days without feeling guilty. She hated how he could only glance at her, and still feel bad for the things he never meant to happen.
And then Jon -- when and if she asked Jon to take a test, too, what was he going to do? If it turned out not to be him -- as in, if he wasn't-wasn't the father -- then he might go around telling everyone. Now, she was sure she could hold up at least some underneath the pressure she would receive from her peers, but she already knew Luca was faltering. . .
"Yes," she heard a hushed whisper, "Yes, he's already there. Madison saw him -- can you believe it? Maybe he actually was beat up by some guy bigger than him. . ."
"No," came the answering shush, "I heard that he did it to himself."
"Oh, rumors. Why would Lovell be--"
Hadyn turned around rather quickly. "What about Luca?"
The girls looked rather startled at Hadyn's sudden interest. "Oh," one said, glancing over at her friend. She probably thought it odd, to see Hadyn, who had been avoiding most everyone, suddenly take a vigorous interest in what was supposed to be a quiet conversation. "Luca Lovell. He's in the hospital wing, pretty bad off." She smiled, as if that was supposed to be funny. Conspiratorially, she murmured to Hadyn, "I heard he--"
Hadyn didn't stick around much longer. Soon, she was exiting the Ravenclaw Common Room, and she didn't stop sprinting until she saw the Hospital Wing entrance loom before her. This door, she entered much more slowly than she had exited the last.
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Post by Luca Lovell on Jan 29, 2009 14:04:48 GMT -5
L u ca[/i] ←[/font] {{ Soft spoken with a broken jaw}}Luca closed his eyes the second he heard the thunder, the last thought echoing in his mind. He knew that the castle was well protected and no ounce of thunder was going to break through the ceiling and set him to rest for eternity. He was stuck here in the wing to heal, if only physically. Luca was damn sure he'd never heal mentally from what he had done to Hadyn, and even more what he had failed to do to himself.
He tried to ease himself in to sleep, hoping that more nightmares wouldn't consume him. He was so damn tired from the lack of sleep before it all, and even from the lack of sleep now. He was still the zombie he had been before he knifed himself up. When someone would enter the hospital wing, he'd barely move to see who it was. He was used to the gawkers who came in to confirm if the whispers in the halls about the bloody Lovell kid were true. Luca let them have their moment, staring at him, and he'd stare up at the ceiling or feign sleep. He was a bloody star now, if he hadn't been one before, and he wasn't much appreciating it. Of course he also didn't care. He deserved to be gawked at like a side show. He was a monster, after all.
He barely even flinched as someone came into the wing. It'd either be someone who had a small medical case that needed a wee bit of attention, or just another gawker. Yeah, he had gotten a few visitors who actually gave a damn about him, such as Darian and Akira, but he didn't expect those as often. Why would his friends want to see him in this state? And, better yet, would they want to come back if they found out he was a monster preying on the innocent?
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Post by Hadyn Bryant on Jan 31, 2009 18:17:02 GMT -5
Love Me As You Did Before Hadyn had barely come into the door before she wished she hadn't. He was lying right there, in full view. It was with horror that she realized the gossiping girls in the Ravenclaw Common Room had at least been partially right. He was hurt -- it was obvious, and it broke Hadyn's heart to see him like that.
"Luca," she whimpered, eyes brimming with tears and pressing one small hand to her mouth.
He was on a gurney, which were all lined up in an orderly fashion against the walls. He was the only one whose was filled, though. You could almost not even recognize him, at first; it took Hadyn's eyes a few long horrible seconds to look past the multiple bandages wrapping him to his face, where his eyes were closed. He looked like hell, to be really frank; thinning, gangly, with his hair in a great mess and looking like he had yet to sleep in a couple of weeks. His usually nice, long hair was spread out across the pillow and tangled, and -- it was almost as much as Hadyn could take, seeing her friend like this.
She cautiously stepped forward. Her fear of him was forgotten for the moment, completely over-ridden with worry. Even though Luca had broken her into a million tiny pieces, she still found she could love him with all the shattered little breaks that used to make up the whole. She reached out one hand; it was almost unreal. She had worried about him since they had become friends, with all the fights he routinely got into over women, but this was beyond any of her worries.
"Ohmygod," she breathed, as a tear streaked down her face.
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Post by Luca Lovell on Feb 1, 2009 11:29:38 GMT -5
L u ca[/i] ←[/font] {{ Soft spoken with a broken jaw}}"Ohmygod."
Luca's eyes would have snapped open instantly if it weren't for his self control. At least he still had a little bit of it left after all he went through. But one thing was for certain: Luca did not want to be hearing that voice right now.
He knew her voice all too well. He and Hadyn had been friends for a while now, and their friendship had grown beyond any he had ever had with a female. Most of his relationships with girls were sexual, but his and Hadyn's had never reached that point... Until a few weeks ago. Even though Luca had been under the imperious curse, he couldn't forgive himself for what he did to her. And she shouldn't be there. Luca didn't want her to see him like this. The monster within had eaten him alive from the inside out. Now he was a bandaged mess, gangly and grungy. Hadyn shouldn't see be able to come and see him. Why hadn't he requested that to begin with?
Well, he hadn't thought she'd want to be near him. Why would she? He had raped her when she had trusted him so much. And now that trust should have been gone for her. It was gone for Luca; He'd never trust himself again, as far as he was aware of. Why wasn't she scared? Why wasn't she high-tailing it out of the room right then and there?
"What are you doing here?" Luca's voice was quiet and gruff, not used to speaking. He hadn't used it since Drew and Molly dragged him to the hospital wing, and he had been talking nonsense then.
And it wasn't that he wanted her to leave... Well, he did, but not because he didn't love her. He wanted her out of there because of who he was and what he did. She shouldn't be there... It wasn't right.
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Post by Hadyn Bryant on Feb 1, 2009 22:29:39 GMT -5
And You Crushed My Heart and Body Hadyn cautiously reached out with one small hand and touched his; it had to be the only part of him that wasn't wrapped up, no doubt covering some horrible bruise or cut. What had happened? Who had done this? Hadyn subconsciously started flipping through faces, searching for one that could have done this. Her suspicions were on Martin and Joel (the ex-boyfriend that caused it all), and would have been on Luther, too, but he had mysteriously disappeared a few days ago. Hadyn was a little concerned about his general well-being, no matter what he had done to her, but she wasn't complaining about his sudden absence, either.
Gently, she touched his hand, but also warily. This was obviously not the Luca that had attacked her. Well, it was, but she was beginning to see them as two different people now that shared the same body. There was the man that attacked her, and then there was Luca. Her Luca. She wasn't sure which one of them was lying in the bed right now, though, and she didn't take too much of a chance. Instead, she just kept with gently but warily holding his much larger but bony hand in her small miniature one.
"I-" Hadyn stammered. Her tears were inhibiting her speech, but she managed to whisper hoarsely to him, "I'm sorry. I heard some girls t-talking, and I had to see if it was true. I. . ." She looked down, a little offended. It almost sounded like he didn't want her there. She looked down, wiping a tear from her cheeks, and looking away from him. "I'll. . .I'll leave." Her sad eyes went up to his face, forlorn and offended. "If you want me to."
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Post by Luca Lovell on Feb 2, 2009 16:44:05 GMT -5
L u ca[/i] ←[/font] {{ Soft spoken with a broken jaw}}She's touching me. She's touching me. She's touching me. She's touching me.
It took all of Luca's strength not to cringe away. He could not only read the rejection and hurt written on her face, but he could feel in radiating off of her body as well. Hadn't he hurt her enough as it is? Her soul had to be marred and she had to be physically bruised from his actions, even if he couldn't remember exactly what those actions had been. All he could remember was one dirty little sentence that shattered the Imperious Curse, and the anger that never came for Luther. Luther got off damn easy. If Luca had been in any right mind, he would have went after the cowardly bastard.
But no one knew why Luther had so suddenly disappeared. And, beyond that, no one knew that Luther was the cause of Luca's biggest problem: He had raped Hadyn. Even if it was unintentional, he had still done it. It had been him touching her, him inside of her, him ripping her apart, not Luther. Luther had merely been a bystander... or the puppeteer.
"I'll. . .I'll leave. If you want me to."
He closed his eyes at her words, his own pain and misery seeping out of him. He wanted to clutch her hand to keep her from leaving, but he didn't trust himself to touch her back. What if she flinched away from him? He'd drop her hand, and he knew it. He'd do something cowardly, like roll onto his other side so she could get out and protect herself. She shouldn't be around a monster.
"You shouldn't be around monsters," Luca said through gritted teeth. His anger was slowly seeping out in small doses. He had blown up on Drew once before, and even Chanel, during his stay in the hospital wing. He felt terrible for it, but his moods were going haywire lately. But now? He wasn't going to blow up on Hadyn. He was blowing up on himself. "Your life has been filled with monsters. Your own personal hell... You don't deserve it. You don't deserve what I have done."
His last few words were bitten off with a bitterness so foul, Luca could taste it in his throat. It was a mixture of something hot and incredibly spicy, yet there was a taste underneath it all. Bile. Luca's disgust with himself would always seep through that bitterness. He could taste the hot and spicy bit of it all, but the bile would stick out the most. Yes, it was the 'undertone', yet somehow, it was all Luca could focus on.
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Post by Hadyn Bryant on Feb 5, 2009 22:05:20 GMT -5
But You Must Understand This, What I Say Hadyn bit her lip, trying to blink back the oncoming tears that burned her eyes. He didn't want her here. He didn't respond to her cautious touch at all physically -- instead, he seemed disgusted. This made her fragile insides wobble. Maybe there was something wrong with her, something that made him angry with her. She scanned through her memory -- what had she done to deserve his anger? What had she done to deserve. . . To deserve his hostile touch, his wickedly amused whispers?
She wanted to tell him she was sorry, for whatever she had done. She had wanted to leave, because he didn't want her there. But Hadyn didn't seem to be in control of herself. Her throat stuck, even though she opened her mouth, and her bones and muscles didn't respond to her mind's want to appease him.
Hadyn's thinking in this might have been a bit different, if it were anyone else. If it was anyone but Luca, she'd be protesting -- wasn't he the one who had hurt her? Wasn't he the cause for the multiple bruises underneath her skirt, the marks on her back from the wall he had her against, the fact she thought she'd wake up sore every morning because she dreamed of him ramming himself into her, again and again.Wasn't he why she felt the need to flinch away every time a man touched her, even if it wasn't in a remotely suggestive way? He was, it was true. It was because of him she was scared to death of sleep, because of him that she cried at night, because of him that whenever she closed her eyes, all she could see, all she could feel, was him, Luca Lovell, taking her with a ferocity all it's own.
And maybe, all these things were true. But it absolutely did not effect the fact she loved him. And though his words had echoed in her head, she could still feel his teeth at her ear, she could still recall the way he held her wrists firmly in his much larger hands, she couldn't ignore the fact that Luca was her friend. Maybe it was a very good reason to dump him on the side of the road, bandaged and on his deathbed, but she wouldn't. She couldn't. Her loyalty dragged her back to him, because no matter how he had hurt her, her heart still ached with a pain equal to the crippling pain he had inflicted on her.
"I'm sorry," she whispered hoarsely, her voice barely audible. She could at least tell him that, because she really was sorry he was shut up in the hospital wing with bandages covering every square inch of his body.
"You shouldn't be around monsters."
At first, Denny thought that Luca was talking about Jaiden. They had never liked each other, but the youngest Scabior was at Azkaban. It was with a shock she realized he was talking about himself, the anger in his voice -- she had been mistaken. He wasn't mad at her. He was mad at his own self.
"Your life has been filled with monsters. Your own personal hell... You don't deserve it. You don't deserve what I have done."
She couldn't argue with the bit about her life being chock full of people against her. Had he seen the scars running up and down her sides from the knife her own father had used against her, when he had unbuttoned her shirt? Had he noticed how she begged for him to stop, because that situation was all too familiar with Royce? Had he noticed that she kept with her girls at parties, because she knew Joel was still around?
But the second bit -- that second bit she had a problem with.
"No," she said shaking her head. He wasn't a monster. He wasn't. When she thought 'Luca Lovell', what came after wasn't remotely related to how he described himself now. "You aren't a monster," she insisted, her voice watery. The other hand, that wasn't in his, touched his forehead tenderly, brushing back the long hair she loved so much. "You're Luca. My Luca. You aren't even close," she said earnestly, her voice imploring him to understand. "Not even a little bit."
But still, in the back of her mind, his wicked voice whispered to her, the darkest shade of desire ringing thickly in it as he whispered assuringly to her;
"It's only me. Shh. It'll only take a little while."
note; Kinda long. xD Sorry. You can just. . . skip if you want to? xP Sorry.
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Post by Luca Lovell on Feb 7, 2009 11:21:58 GMT -5
L u ca[/i] ←[/font] {{ Soft spoken with a broken jaw}}[ooc; I LIKE LONG POSTS. SHUDDUP.]
She had said she was sorry to him, and he wanted to start screaming.
You're sorry?! You're sorry?! And I was the one who had done something to you!
But she had gone quiet at his words, and now she was trying to reassure him that he wasn't a monster. How could she say that? How could she say that he wasn't a monster, after everything he had done, after every piece of her broken heart was torn into more pieces by him personally? She was delusional in thinking that he was the same man who would wrap her in his arms like a small child. He wasn't that man anymore. He wasn't.
He was Luca Lovell, the monstrous. Luca Lovell, the rapist. Luca Lovell, the one who should be untrusted.
"I am a monster, Hadyn," His voice was low, but there was a tight growl to it. "You can't go about thinking that I am the same man."
He wasn't, and she needed to know that. He had raped her, and nothing had occurred to him until the spell had been broken. He wasn't strong enough to fight that off... How could he be strong enough to be trusted with anything? Luca was sick. He was sick of himself and he was a sick man. Rapists didn't deserve to live. He had always believed greatly in that, especially from what he had seen through out his hard life. He got angry at any man who would take advantage of something so precious as a woman. Sure, some women were a bit rough around the edges, but Luca couldn't deny them their innocence. Their preciousness.
"I destroyed something so precious," Luca murmured, echoing his own thoughts. "I am a monster." His dark eyes, filled with disgust and despair, looked up at Hadyn. "You don't deserve it. You don't deserve yet another scratch on you. Bruised. Broken. It's all my fault. And don't you try to deny it, Hadyn. Don't you dare."
If he had been angry at her, those words would have been like a knife to her. And maybe they still were. But those words were the dagger twisted into his heart. They twisted him, and she would be twisting it more if she tried to deny the fact that it was his fault. If she admitted it, he'd still be hurt, but he knew it was the truth. He wouldn't be mad at her. Not ever.
[/blockquote]
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Post by Hadyn Bryant on Feb 7, 2009 16:54:12 GMT -5
Call My Name. You'll Be Okay. note; Well, er, good. Because this one is long too? xP Sowwie.
Hadyn's fingers slid through his hair, like he had done to her on several occasions. Her small hand combed the long, brunette locks out, trying to be soothing, while the other squeezed his large, unresponsive hands. She wanted to tell him sorry over and over again, until she made him believe it. He had to -- he wasn't a monster, and Hadyn refused to believe it.
She shook his head when he talked, pressing her lips together to stifle the sobs threatening to fight their way through her throat. Hadyn couldn't look at him, and she wouldn't when he was saying something like that. His voice conveyed how he truly did believe himself a monster, and that horrified Hadyn to no ends. That, and it was starting to give her terrible, morbid suspicions as to who had given Luca all his bandages.
"I am a monster, Hadyn. You can't go about thinking that I am the same man."
His tone was low, so as not to scare her or make her think he was angry, but he was dead serious when he said that. However, there was a hate in those words that did scare Hadyn. A internal hate, a hate for himself.
"No," Hadyn whimpered, shaking her head hard. "You're Luca. And I'm Hadyn. We're the same as we were before, just. . ."
Just he hated himself, she had been raped, and she was pregnant. But, they were the same. Right?
She bit her lip harder, and sniffled, looking away quickly so he wouldn't see the tears brimming her eyes. How was she going to tell him? He already thought of himself lower than dirt, she couldn't deny that. But that wasn't true. What if he hurt himself? What if he hurt himself again? Hadyn glanced at the bandages covering her friend's body. He hadn't done that to himself, she reassured herself. Someone else. Hadyn dreaded telling him, and even thought of keeping it away from him. It'd be for his own safety, for him.
No. There was the very distinct possibility that the child in her was his. His. . . Or Macnair's.
"I destroyed something so precious. I am a monster. Hadyn felt his eyes on her face, and her own flickered to meet his. He looked so sad. It tore her to pieces. Hadyn squeezed his fingers again, as he continued, "You don't deserve it. You don't deserve yet another scratch on you. Bruised. Broken. It's all my fault. And don't you try to deny it, Hadyn. Don't you dare."
Hadyn shook her head, and looked away from him, the tears sliding down her face. Hadyn took one hand, the one that had been in his hair, and wiped them away feverently, mad at herself for letting him see them.
She couldn't deny she was bruised. Even the hand that was holding his had a slight tinge to it, around her wrist. If he fit his fingers around them again, the bruises would match it perfectly. That, her back had turned unhealthy colors, and her thighs where he had taken her to him, and in between her legs.
And she could not deny being broken, either. Just looking at her these days was enough evidence of that.
"You didn't destroy me," she whispered, because she couldn't get her voice to go any higher. She picked up his hand gently, intertwining her fingers with his slowly, proving the point she was still there. "I'm still here," she whispered, sad pale blue eyes meeting his. Hadyn tried to smile, and it helped some, but it turned out watery. It was still a smile, though, and she went on quietly, "I won't deny bruises, but they heal. I promise. I'll be fine. It'll -- It'll wear off."
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Post by Luca Lovell on Feb 8, 2009 12:17:28 GMT -5
L u ca[/i] ←[/font] {{ Soft spoken with a broken jaw}}[ooc;STOPAPOLOGIZING! XD]"Hadyn..."
Luca couldn't bring himself to say it. She was crying, and it was his fault. How could he tell her that she'd never be perfectly fine again? He had lived through something like this before, only it hadn't been him as the monster. It was a time where he had been so innocent, a time where the real hate began to fester inside him. It was the time when he really knew how much he hated men.
"I lived in the gypsy commune when I was young," Luca said. He knew she'd know that. Hadyn knew a lot about his past, but she had no idea how he became this monster-hating man, which in turn made him hate himself. "It was a time before my mother was killed. Lyuba, my mom's best friend..."
Hadyn had heard about Lyuba. She had always been one of Luca's favorite women back at the commune, and she was still one of the few he spoke to today. They'd write letters. She was his second mother, though she could never replace Luminista.
"I told you how her husband abused her? Or maybe not, but he did..." Luca's free hand clenched into a fist just thinking about Emilian. "Well, it never stopped, even after I went after him when I was ten. But... He raped her, Hadyn. He was so drunk, and apparently beating her up wasn't enough. I know most people would say, 'Hey, she's his wife. She should be sleeping with him,' ... But you can still rape someone when you're married to them."
Luca wasn't supposed to know about the rape. He was still ten, fresh out of the hospital from his incident with Emilian, and Lyuba was over at their place. He had heard her sobbing in his mother's bedroom, and he couldn't help but listen. He went after Emilian again, but people stopped him before he could do any real damage to himself or Emilian.
"I never forgave him, and I hope he burns in hell," Luca's voice was filled with malice as he looked up at Hadyn. "And what kills me... What kills me, Hadyn, is that she's still with that son of a bitch."
How could Hadyn so easily write the incident off? How could she forgive Luca so easily? He had caused her so much pain, but it didn't stop at the physical barriers.
"You see," Luca went on, "Lyuba wasn't only physically hurt. She was emotionally scarred, and nothing can heal something like that, Hadyn. And only a true monster can provide a hell that never leaves."
Luca's eyes were tinged with tears. He wasn't normally the guy who would cry, but he was so pained now because he knew the truth he was speaking. Hadyn would always have that hell. [/blockquote]
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Post by Hadyn Bryant on Feb 11, 2009 22:31:16 GMT -5
note; Bleh. I dun like this one.
"Luca," Hadyn whimpered, as he started into his story. She knew there would be a moral to this, pertaining to her irreparable scars to her psyche. She knew Luca had had a hard life leading up to Hogwarts, but she had never wanted to ask, for her own selfish reasons, and his interests at heart. She didn't want to hear it, and become even more depressed. And if he told the story, then he would become upset or angry, and that was one thing Hadyn did not like to see. Her friends upset was certainly not a good thing.
"But," she argued gently, not wanting to hurt his feelings, "I'm not Lyuba."
She looked down, at her feet. She didn't know how to explain it to him. Why couldn't it have been easy? Why couldn't things go back to the way they were? Why was life always so damn difficult?
"It'll hurt," she admitted, her voice hoarse from the strenuous feel of the conversation. It was hard, talking about these things with both her best friend and the man who raped her. "But . . ."
She forced her eyes back on him, on his face, and she stretched out her free hand again to him. She touched his face, his cheekbone gently, and ran her fingers around his jaw consolingly. It seemed as if comforting other people was the way she comforted herself, refocused her attention.
"But it doesn't matter. It doesn't."
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Post by Luca Lovell on Feb 13, 2009 10:39:13 GMT -5
L u ca[/i] ←[/font] {{ Soft spoken with a broken jaw}}"But... I'm not Lyuba."
Luca's teeth ground together as she said this at the end of his story. He knew damn well that she wasn't Lyuba. Lyuba was taller than her and less proportioned; She also had long, curly brown hair that reached the middle of her back and eyes the color of the most delicious golden butterscotch. She was one of the most beautiful women Luca knew, and Hadyn was on that list as well. But to sit there and tell him something he knew was ridiculous. The one thing she hadn't paid attention to were the similarities.
"Hadyn, I know you're not Lyuba," His eyes were fierce and bright as he turned his face to look at her. "But were you not paying attention? Did you not see the similarities, or are you refusing to notice them?"
He wanted to ask her how she could be so blind, but he didn't. He never wanted to insult a girl, especially not Hadyn... And especially not after what he had put her through. She was closing her eyes to all of that, and his heart ached for her. He was only worried about her well being, and if she was turning a blind eye to the situation, he knew it wasn't a good thing.
"She was raped, Hadyn," Luca continued. "You were raped. I raped you."
It was the first time he had said it aloud. He had said it in his mind a thousand times, over and over again, and wondered what the sentence would be like once it rolled off his tongue. It felt hot and it stung him all over, but he knew he'd have to say it eventually. So he bit his lip and said it. He knew it would only be easier to say the next time after he said it now.
"I raped you." He repeated, testing his theory. Yes, it was easier to say, but there was still something that burned inside of him as he said it. "Don't you get it? You're standing here, refusing to see me as the monster I am, just like Lyuba refuses to see Emilian for what he is. What if I'm just like him? What if this isn't the last time? What if I hurt you worse next time?"
A thousand scenarios rushed into his mind at these questions, and it was almost hard not to close his eyes and moan with distaste. He saw her lying on the floor, battered and bruised beyond recognition. He saw her dead, in a coffin, her pale face so peaceful, yet something sinister lurking around the corner. He saw blood, and lots of it, and none of these images would shake his mind. He wanted to scream out, 'STOP IT!', but he knew it was no good. The images would only stop once they were satisfied of their message. Luca knew what the message was, but his body refused to let him off easy.
"Fuck," Luca gasped, his mind hurting. His voice came out rough and hoarse. "What if you end up dead?"
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Post by Hadyn Bryant on Feb 13, 2009 14:09:36 GMT -5
note; Yay! Another long one? xD
Hadyn was still looking down at her feet when he started talking again. He was getting frustrated with her, for pointing out the obvious. But he didn't understand. Hadyn thought, out of all the men she knew, Luca would have been the least likely to only look at the words and not the meaning. He was the fanatic believer that women weren't just tools to use or toys to play with -- they had feelings and beliefs, too, with personalities and wants and dislikes. She wasn't looking at how Lyuba may have looked. She had no idea what the other woman looked like. For all she knew, Lyuba could have been her identical twin, and Hadyn still would have told him, 'I'm not Lyuba.'
She would have attempted to explain it to him, that she was different. Hadyn couldn't see inside everyone's head, but she knew that most women would react different than the next. Hadyn was one of those girls -- sure, she was terrified of guys right now, but she handled it different. She could see Lyuba's reasoning -- she wasn't leaving her husband because she loved her husband. Hadyn wasn't leaving Luca because she loved her best friend, and she wasn't willing to give him up over something she could get over. She didn't know when or how, but one day, she would.
Hadyn's eyes remained downcast, while he ranted. She hated that she made him upset, but she wasn't going down in this argument. She wouldn't let him go on believing he was something terrible. She knew the truth, even if he didn't, and she would remain adamant in it.
"What if you end up dead?"
Hadyn's eyes ventured up, but not to his face. She could feel the fear bubbling up in her, afraid he would hurt her again. Her instinct battled her mind -- Her mind reassured her firmly. He wouldn't dare touch her -- he loved her, right?
"I won't end up dead," Hadyn said quietly, reassuring him, which, in turn, helped her too. "Not because of you."
Hadyn's eyes glanced up to him, and then looked away. She didn't know how he would react to what she was saying. Maybe he would just get angrier, the little voice in her head told her. Maybe he'll hit you, like Royce and Joey and Luther did.
No, he won't. He's Luca.
"The most you've done," Hadyn continued quietly, eyes burning, "is love me. You've made me feel better when I needed it, and you helped when there was nothing else." She was shaking, and she knew he could probably feel it, because her hand was clutching on to his. "Can I tell you something, Luca?" She asked him, her voice barely audible. "But you can't hurt yourself again." Hadyn had come to the conclusion it was himself that had torn himself up. "You can't hate yourself, or try as hard as you can not to. I'll tell you I love you every day if it helps -- I will. But you can't hurt yourself again." The desperation and conviction in her voice showed her crazy concern for him, to make him believe he was a good person. He was a wonderful person. If only he'd believe that.
"I-if you don't think --" Hadyn broke off, unsure of how to say put it. Slowly, she tried again, voice wobbly and quiet. "If you don't think that-that you can do that, I won't. . . I won't say anything."
Hadyn's blue eyes looked up to his face again, for a fraction of a second with the tears leaking down her face, before she looked away again, to where she clung onto him. Her hand was squeezing his, her fingers intertwined with his unresponsive ones. She whispered to him, her voice broken and disjointed.
"You have to promise me you won't."
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Post by Luca Lovell on Feb 13, 2009 16:04:06 GMT -5
L u ca[/i] ←[/font] {{ Soft spoken with a broken jaw}}Luca had been mad only seconds before, but Hadyn's sudden shaking fingers jolted him out of his own world. He had been so caught up in self-pity that he hadn't noticed that she was a mess trying to comfort him. She was trying to comfort him. If he hadn't felt like an ass before, he sure as hell felt like one now. But he wasn't about to voice this to Hadyn because she was shaking terribly. He could read desperation in her eyes, and all of a sudden he didn't matter anymore. Yes, he still loved her. She had thought he was angry with her, but he wasn't. And she was still one of his best friends. So he couldn't sit there and let her think that he hated her..
His unresponsive fingers suddenly jolted to life, clutching her hand like a life line. For all he knew, it could be hers. She was so devastatingly upset and he had no idea why. His heart no longer ached for what he'd done but for what he didn't know. And he had to know. He didn't care if it'd upset him, he'd promise her anything and stick to it just so he could figure out what had her mind in shambles. He moved some of the rumpled sheets and smoothed them over with his free hand and then pulled her to the edge of the bed to get her to sit down. His thumb rubbed circles into the back of her hand as he pulled himself up in the bed, ignoring the loud, aching protests his body was throwing at him.
"I promise Hadyn, I promise," Luca said, the circles being rubbed faster now. He wanted her tears to go away and he wanted them away now. Had someone hurt her? Had someone found out and threatened her? Who was he going to beat up now? "I won't hurt myself. Now, just tell me, Hadyn. Tell me, please."
The last words came out in a soft whisper, yet they were strong and fierce, just as he was. His skin may be clinging to his bones and his body cut up to shreds, but he knew he was strong despite what he had done to himself. He may have had that weak point where he had tried to kill himself, but he was only making himself stronger now.
"It's okay, Hadyn," Luca murmured. "You can tell me now."
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