Holes Where My Heart Should Be[Hadyn]

[Hadyn Bryant]

Hadyn Bryant

My life, as of right now, is a complete and total mess.

I know, I should be writing a nice, long entry to this new diary that Tyler got me for my birthday this year, but I can't focus. I keep on thinking about what is wrong in my life, and how to try and fix it. Trouble is, I can't.

When I first came back, stepped in the Great Hall, and looked around, my first thought was 'Ohgod, shoot me now'.

There were several reasons for my sudden suicidal thoughts.

One, Kamilla was already there and looking as tenacious as ever. I don't really know what her problem is--yeah, I know I could be nicer to her, but I can't bring myself to do it. Is it terrible that I still haven't gotten over what she said to me in third year? I know I should forgive and forget, but it's so hard. And it surprises me--generally, I think I'm at least a little forgiving.

Like, for the second reason. Jaiden was sitting there, grinning like that suave idiot he is, not too far down the Slytherin table. He hadn't changed a bit since the last I saw him, which I thought was sort of bittersweet. I'd been missing him all summer, though I was sort of hoping that something would happen while he was away at the Concrete and change him for the better. I know, that sounds so crazy--that Jaiden should go into his brother's gang one day and come out the next as a changed man. I know, it was too much to hope for, but...

But then, much to my displeasure and complete and total embarrassment, right beside the she devil herself--no, no, I meant Kamilla. Right beside Kamilla, he was sitting there.

Rowen Dalton.

That was when I wished my holy suicide. I practically dived behind Daniel when I saw him--you have no idea how humiliating that is to see him again after that one night. A huge mistake, one that I (hopefully) won't make again.

From what I've heard, Rowen can be pretty decent. But....I can't help but feel awkward around him. It makes me think that I'm weak or something, like I'm embarrassed over nothing.

Me and Jaiden have a very different definition of nothing.

As soon as he found out, Jaiden was pissed. Like, fighting angry.

I understand that Jaiden likes to know that I'm safe and everything, and I appreciate that he is so concerned about me--it's sweet, even, though he would kill me for saying it. But that didn't help any. It just drew Rowen's attention to Jaiden and then, ultimately, back to me.

It left me wanting to use Daniel to hide behind again.

And wishing that I could be like Kamilla.

Isn't that strange?

I don't know, but she's good. Looks like she can keep everything, all her emotions in check and keep everything in line. She can blow people off like they were nothing, and completely forget about it. It's like she's made of ice or something--cold and harsh.

Yeah.

I wanna be as cold as ice.

But then...

Who would save me and warm me back up again?

[Hadyn Bryant]

So.

I thought my life couldn't get any better, right?

Wrong. Again.

That seems the only answer I'm getting these days. It's getting better, I tell myself. You can do this. You can stand it.

Wrong, wrong, and wrong again.

One good thing happens, and I'm all ready to smile again, and then it all goes down. Crash and burn, baby. All down the drain. In one quick, fell swoop, my legs are kicked out from me yet again.

I'll explain later. Right now, I just want to lay down somewhere and forget anything ever happened. There is no Eli, there is no secrets, there are no whispers, there are no rumors, and - damn it all - there is definitely no Jaiden.

Goddamn.

So much for not thinking about it.

[Hadyn Bryant]

Okay.

So.

The explanation.

Here's my problem list.

#1 - Royce and Luther.
#2 - Being hated. (I have no explanation for this, but I'll get
around to it)
#3 - Jordan&the Family
#4 - Nathen.
#5 - Elijah Wilkes, Olivia Hudson, and Livinia Lange.
#6 1/2 - Jaiden
#7 - Luca Lovell

Numero Uno

Royce and Luther - my biggest problem. After the last ordeal, Jaiden has been glaring at any Joey - related guy. If my ex even talked to another dude, Jaiden knows. I swear. He's all seeing or something.

And then my wand, I have to keep my wand on me twenty four seven. As soon as Royce is out of the hospital wing, even if he doesn't remember what happened....well, I have a feeling like he's going to want to - to relive what went down. So, the wand - a must have.

Numero Dos.

I am getting like, these really weird looks from random chicks. Like, the evil glare or something. And these are people I haven't even seen before. Some of them, I don't even know their names! But they seem to know me, and they make walking down the hall are real pain in my ass.

And I don't understand why! It is so frustrating, tryingto figure out why they are all mad at me. II want one of them to just come up to me and start yelling - loud and clear, so maybe I can figure out why the hell she and the rest of them are pissed. Because god knows I didn't do anything - or at least I don't think I did.

Numero Tres

Alright, so Luke, my mom's new husband and technically, my step father, just found out about my bio father. And the whole long horror story about the one night stand and the stabbing, and the after events and the traumatic expieriences and the rest of all that lovely, warm, affectionate stuff. Well, he decided to skip out, all pissed and unhappy that my mom hadn't told him sooner. I don't know why he's being so weird about it, but he is.

And then Jordan - he's the older, eighth year Durmstang that happens to be my older half brother, Luke's son, and Nathan's older brother. He's eighteen, and the complete opposite of the rest of my family - he's kind of cold-ish, and not that type of person that you want to huggle. Not at all.

Yes, well, said older brother blames the family problems on me. Pressure there, wouldn't you think?

Numero Cuatro

Nathan's legs are getting worse, he's getting sicker. The leg braces are gone now, replaced by a wheelchair. From what Jordan has told me - well, yelled really - he's getting bullied at his muggle school and being called 'Wheels'. A lot. Some kid raced him down the hallway like a car, even though Nathan told them repeatedly to stop.

It kind of reminded me of that one guy, Ashley, that Daniel was with. Next time I'm around and some guy calls him Wheels, I'll put them in a wheelchair themself. Not that I like Ashley - in fact, I don't like him at all - but I saw how it affected Nathan. And no one else needs to be treated like that over something that they couldn't help.

Numero Cinco

Okay, so Eli isn't really the problem - it's Livinia and Olivia. They think I'm after him, like that I'm in love with him or something. It's crazy. How do they even know? I haven't even talked to either of them since - since I don't know when! And then they go all grr on me. I dunno, but it's crazy.

Numero Sies

Jaiden has been acting weird. He's keeping secrets from me, and if he's keeping secrets from me, something is seriously wrong. But it's completely tearing him up - and I don't want to know the secret because of morbid curiosity. If it's hurting him, then I want to help! But he's not letting me, and it frustrates me to no end.

Numoero Siete

Well, Luca isn't really a problem. It's just....a delimma.

Luca and I could totally be my friend. I mean, if we wanted, he could be like Jaiden the Second. But Jaiden isn't looking to me for scoring, though, and Luca is.

Which sucks. Totally.

Because it could be so much better than it is now. It could be. But as long as....No, can't be friends like that. Which, like I said before, sucks.

[Hadyn Bryant]

It just occurred to me what my life sounds like today.

I wasn't doing anything. Just kind of sitting there, in the Courtyard, and zoning out. Somehow, I had this sort of reminisce thing, I guess. My mind just sort of wandered.

I was going over all the bad things that have happened to me in my life. Then it came to me.

My life is like a bad story.

I'm the main character, obviously. She's gone through a lot, enough to fill up the whole book, but instead packed into one chapter. It's complete with screw ups - bad spelling - and promises - no punctuation - and all the other things that make a story suck. All of this bad stuff, packed into one short chapter, where it doesn't belong. Where it shouldn't belong. One thing is enough to last a lifetime, but it's happened to the main character again and again and again. Not always the same thing - different things, that should leave someone suicidal or put them up in a mental ward at Saint Mungo's.

But, somehow, this person, the main character, can still walk and talk like nothing's happened. They can talk to guys, they can be around knives, they aren't scared of being alone - shouldn't all that be happening to the character? Shouldn't she be, like, catatonic? Or something? Other than flowers and rainbows?

See, the main character in the bad story - well, she goes on with life like nothing ever happened to her. Like she hadn't been stabbed numerous times, or nearly beat to death, or had an attempted rape put on her. Like everything was okay. And, in the bad story, she gets with another guy and they say all this mushy stuff like 'I would never hurt you' and 'you can trust me'.

And the bad part is, I know I'd fall for it.

I'm too damn trusting. I shouldn't be! I shouldn't be the way that I am! I should not be able to talk to guys like I hadn't been smacked or punched or had some freaks work my jeans. Like I hadn't had my father stab me, like I didn't have hideous scars all up and down me, like I hadn't ever been hurt.

I'm not normal.

I feel like a bad story - the heroine goes through all of this crap, and comes out peachy and fine. It was written badly, there were screw ups everywhere, and the plot is terrible.

My plot is screwed.

But, yet, here I am - peachy and fine. Just like in the bad story.

And I don't know why.

[Hadyn Bryant]

"Breath"

I see nothing in your eyes, and the more I see the less I like.

Is it over yet, in my head?

I know nothing of your kind, and I won't reveal your evil mind.

Is it over yet? I can't win.[/color]

So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left.
I know that I can find the fire in your eyes.
I'm going all the way, get away, please.


You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.

This will be all over soon.
Pour salt into the open wound.

Is it over yet? Let me in.

So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left.
I know that I can find the fire in your eyes.
I'm going all the way, get away, please.


You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.


I'm waiting, I'm praying, realize, start hating.[/size]


You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.
~Breaking Benjamin
[/center][/size]

[Hadyn Bryant]

"It's not a dream; It's a nightmare. And it's real."

"It's a nightmare. And it's real."

"Real."

"Real."

Real.

The same thing, over and over again, in my head. The same thing - "Hadyn, love, it's not a dream; it's a nightmare. And it's real."

I have nightmares now.
Jaiden hasn't left my side.
Bruises everywhere - it's hard to put a spell on them that will last through the day to keep them from being seen.
I can still feel them. It hurts.
I don't want to go to anyone.
Jaiden is mute and volatile.
Luca is concerned, but I put it off. He doesn't know how bad it hurts - I want to keep it that way. I hurt him.
Daniel doesn't know anything - he'd only get upset.
Lucy can't know.
Eli isn't here.
Royce is still dead.

It's just me now.

I don't want to do this anymore.

I can't do this anymore.

[Hadyn Bryant]

I've been thinking a lot lately.

I mean, yeah, I used to think a lot. I was practically a smaller Darian, running around and thinking. That boy's such a sweetheart; I don't think I've ever heard him say a negative thing about anyone. Actually, I know two people like that. Isabella Tremblay -- they would look good together. Maybe I'll tell him about her, and see where it ended up.

Anyway, these days, I don't think so much. I try not to.

I do things to try and avoid it. I study way more than I used to, I talk to girls I haven't even looked at before, I play with the cat more than I did, I run like freaking hell. And whenever my mind starts to drift, I just run harder.

Today, I couldn't do that any more. I realized several things, and made decisions that should have been made a long time ago about two of the most important things that have happened to me lately.

One -- Jaiden's conviction.

Two -- the incident rape by Luca.

I came to realize that I would have rather been severely hurt by Royce, rather than let Jaiden take the blame and go to Azkaban for me. I also realized that this decision came too late.

And, again, when Luca raped me. I can say it now. He raped me, and that's that. But he never meant to. He never meant to hurt me like that. He was forced to; the way he screamed afterwards, and the look on his face -- it wasn't one of triumph, that was for sure. He hates himself.

That's because of me. It was me that made him hate himself, and I can't stand that. If only he would realize what I have. I still love him, no matter what happened. I told him that once, before the rape, and he believed me then. All I need is for him to believe me now.

Three -- my twin addicts.

Yes, I love them to death. Svelte and Audio are the maccaroni to my cheese. They've been there for me, no matter what. They've confided in me, and I've done the same for them. We've been there for each other no matter what happened, and I want it to stay that way.

I think it's time I told them what Luca did.

I'll tell them, but make sure they understand it wasn't really Luca. Luca didn't do that to me, a monster did, and they aren't the same thing. Svelte and Audi have to keep that in mind. They've noticed, I think, that I don't hang around guys too much anymore. I don't hand around anyone anymore, one of the things that has got to change.

But the twins need to know what is going on, because it effects them, too.

Four --


I'm pregnant.

And the father is one of two men.

Jonathen Macnair or Luca Lovell.